Emotions are REAL

I went to get a massage by my Russian therapist, Tony, whom I met last year. He has the strength of an OX in his hands. He’s actually made me cry several times by how deep he goes into my muscles. I have had to reschedule with him the last 2 appointments due to my recent events. The tension in my shoulders feels like boulders that require a jackhammer to remove. I haven’t been strong enough to see him and have been concerned about him working on my fragile body. Today, he says in his deep Russian accent “Well you don’t seem like your normal self. You seem sad.” I didn’t know how to respond at first, so I paused. As my day progressed today, I was feeling a bit taller, a little stronger, and closer to becoming me again. After I thought about what I was going to say, I decided to tell him the truth “Well my life has changed dramatically and I experienced great loss last month. I thought I was doing better today, but perhaps it’s still showing.” There is no doubt that is the truth although perhaps its missing specific details.

What I know about my experience today is that I do wear my emotions on my sleeves. It’s something I cannot hide or runaway from. It’s who I am and who I will always be. I am real person who has real feelings. When I was a child I learned to grieve in silence, cry alone, and to be as tough as nails. Then my life took a sudden turn when I was diagnosed. It was a life altering experience that changed every aspect of me. Today, I consider myself an emotional and sensitive person, more so than I ever thought I would be.

I give all I can to anyone who really knows me, because there is no sense in having a façade that doesn’t promote the real aspect of who you are. We only live once and we only have one chance to reveal ourselves. I am proud to know that I am honest and I have integrity. I will admit when I am wrong and I will not claim to be perfect. Some people may see me as intense or quick to give to another, but again, that is who I am. I take care of the world when I see it needs to be taken care of. I remember where I have been and the dark streets I have walked alone. Nonetheless, I have grown by not seeing the world for what it is, but for making the world a better place for me to live in.

Make it Count by having emotion and not feeling bad about it.

Ashley Stevenson